Endless Loop

A literary work made for an assignment, an essay about how on how I feel because of the pandemic and how it affected me and my mental health.

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There are days when I open my eyes, realize it’s a new day, and I just cry. I wake up, and I seem to be in a loop, a loop I just can’t break. I think to myself, I am now just a shell of a person I once was. Just existing. My mind goes blank half of the time, everything I hear goes in one ear and out the other. I used to have passion, passion for life. Now I just zone out, I’m drained, and I’m done for the day. I close my eyes, and it just repeats. Again and again and again.

There are days I open my eyes, realize it’s a new day, and I just smile. I feel the warm rays of sunlight sneaking into my window. I smell faint hints of newly brewed coffee in the morning. Hearing the clinks of the teaspoon and cup made by my grandmother. Everything is in a loop, but something I’m not bothered by repeating every single day is the greetings I hear in the morning, the thankyous for small acts of kindness, and of course, the I love you's I randomly get throughout the day.

Sometimes I feel guilt, you know. Why do I feel like this, why do I feel sad, why do I feel nothing... I feel nothing. The only answer I have is that I am simply existing, not living. But I have privilege, I feel guilt because I am privileged. I have a life that some might be dreaming of, yet I feel stuck.

- Aria Sanz